Not only was I a lazy lump, I was also really nervous and anxious to go out and have people see me. I was always big but since I had my son 5 years ago, I gained a lot more and it's kind of a shameful feeling. You think high school was bad enough let me show these people how much I improved and kicked ass! Instead I got knocked up at 19, gained 60 pounds, and even better, never got my college degree. Loser was written all over me.
What made things worse for me was being in that young frame of mind still and seeing on Facebook all of my friends from my past studying abroad, going out, having a great life, partying, clubbing, while I was rocking an infant to sleep with a bottle in my hand. What made things worsen was that the baby's father, though lived with us, would go out often, sometimes not come home.
This was my world now and it was crashing down on me. I was 20 years old,so depressed, and just ate my feelings to oblivion. Easing the pain was driving to the nearest fast food joint, ordering two meals to make it seem like I wasn't ordering for just one person (because that was so embarrassing I already felt like garbage) and actually ate both meals! I would get so nauseous and sick it felt good to at least feel something. And who was I to let anyone know how deeply devastated I was at such a joyous time in my life? I was supposed to be happy, my son was here.
It was like I couldn't be me.
So over this past summer I hit my highest weight. Simultaneously I sold my Jeep and bought a new car with a automatic windows that don't work. Guess what? Drive thrus were no longer an option. To go to the bank I had to walk to the door, to mail a letter I'd have to walk to the mailbox, to get some fast food--wait a minute, I rarely get fast food anymore. The broken auto windows prevented me from being able to use the convenience of that self destruction and I found I really don't even want fast food. It was like the craving wasn't hunger, it was sadness. And that sadness inside needed garbage. And that's exactly what the sadness and sickness was. A big pile of garbage.
Since the Summer I have grown (in a different way haha). I have noticed a literal maturity in my behavior and lifestyle. I enjoy food shopping. I'm not afraid of being in public. I started school again. I found purpose in my life with an incredibly rewarding job. And most importantly I've come to realize that my son saved my life in many ways. He is the blessing of all blessings in my life and I will always be grateful for what he has motivated me to do. I want to save lives now. And help people.
He made me a strong young single mother who can conquer the world.
By the way, since I got my new broken windowed car, I've lost about 30 pounds. (With added lifestyle change and exercise of course)
And for those wondering about Jack's dad, he is required to pay my weekly child support and is living with his 16 year old girlfriend and her parents. Employed by her dad. Winning?
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